Something that can't come soon enough

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/va-moves-offer-gender-confirmation-surgery-vets-n1271506

 So many things to ponder (part 1 of maybe many)

Over the past several weeks of looking back at my time on this planet, I really had to see what has transpired.  I look at the many opportunities I've had to live life as my true self but found that fear was the only thing that prevented me from going forward.

I guess you could say that it started when I was very young.   I grew up in a world that was very different than today.  I was born into a post WWII era that taught people to use what was available to help conserve finances. We wore hand me down clothes that were either male or female,  For me it was more female than male.  I wore dresses, feminine shorts, blouses and shoes till the age of 6 when I started school.  I had to change my wardrobe to only male clothes because of the stigma attached for a feminine male to exist back then.  I couldn't understand why till I experienced the bullying for being an effeminized male.

The teen years were  a strange time that found so many confusing thoughts and desires that caused me to have to literally fight my way in life.  I found solace in being a somewhat hermit but also discovered, through living with an older sister that I could still be myself in at least a small degree.  Back then, I found joy in wearing some of her clothes as well as a few pieces of my Mothers clothes.  I also learned to cook and sew as well as a limited knowledge of a woman's body and the care of.

I still had to keep up the façade of being fully male since even in the mid to late 60's being gay, lesbian or even worse transgendered could get you hurt or just mentally ostracized by both the cis people as well as the gay community.  Gay men looked at us as freaks that didn't belong to either gender and lesbians called us sick because we wanted to be like them.  

I escaped my home world by joining the military in hopes that I would end up in Nam where I would be killed.  I tried to volunteer for every possible dangerous assignment that came my way only to fail in my quest to end it all.  I wanted so bad to end my pain and mental anguish but in such a way as to not allow my family to learn my  true self.

After I couldn't get an extended assignment in Nam, I bounced through several assignments that took me  to Idaho and Germany.  Idaho found me back to finding ways to escaping from the world and might have allowed me to end life again by going out into the mountains, alone without any regards for my safety.  I gave me a way to quell my thoughts and scream at the top of my lungs without worrying who might hear me.

Germany was a place of wonderment for me because I found other like me that were accepted by all that they came into contact with.  I learned so much about the trans life through the women I became friends with.  I look back now and wished that I could have stayed but the military had other plans for me.

I was discharged and made my way to southern Florida.  I started wear feminine clothes whenever I could.  I found the growing gay community in South Beach and found some friends there that didn't look down at me for being me.  I soon got the bug to move again so I rejoined the military.

 Thoughts on a recent conversation

Several days ago, I had a conversation about the differences between men and women.  Besides that apparent difference of shape and sizes, I came to the realization that women are more complicated then men could ever imagine.  Men grow up only having to look and act like the so called macho man where a woman starts life on the minus side.

Men have to only think about their looks after puberty.  That's when they finally start looking for a mate that they can have sex with and present the possibility that they may stick around afterwards.  If you really get down to it, men have only really four styles of clothes and seven colors to choose from.  Most of the styles are an extension of their reality in life.  The colors are more subdued almost as if to blend into their backgrounds.  Their choice of colors and styles almost stay the same throughout their lives.  Most men wear either some type of denim or cotton pants and shorts.  Their underwear in almost always cotton in a dull color.  The only color that they wear are shirts and jackets.  Even their shoes are either black or brown.

Women on the other hand start out life having to learn the spectrum of colors that they have to choose from.  Add to the colors of clothes, they have to learn the colors of makeup needed to highlight their body and not to clash with their clothes.  Next come the styles of clothes as well as the different fabrics.  It's amazing how different types of clothing feels and helps a women enjoy the feelings of being able to express her womanhood.  So many colors and patterns to choose from that will help to accentuate her body and mood.  Yes, even the underwear helps a woman improve her attitude in life.  So many different colors and material to choose from frumpy, to sexy and in between.  I admit that bras are not the most comfortable to wear after several hours and neither are shapewear that we use to again accentuate our bodies.  Don't even get me started of what it takes to accomplish the simple task of going to the bathroom when dressed up in evening wear (i.e. long dress, pantyhose, shapewear).   

One other difference between male and female clothing is the cost that we have to shell out to make ourselves pretty.

Men have it easy when it come to many health matters and personal hygiene.  They can get away with just a shower or bath every two days as long as they use a deodorant and after shave.  Speaking of hair, men don't even have to deal with their beards unless they want to.  Hair can be washed every four to five days if they don't have naturally oily hair.  No need for creams and lotions to help keep their skin from turning rough and wrinkly. As for health problems associated with the male body, most don't start to show up until their late forties.  After that there are still only a few that are a cause for major concerns. 

Women on the other hand, have to learn from a very early age to insure that the genital area is cared for lest they end up with many health problems that men are not plagued with. Let's not forget that a woman has to deal with her monthly cycle and all that it entails.  And a woman's body seems to have many health problems that start earlier in life.  Between hormone swings, fat deposits that make her feel bad about her looks, emotional and physical problems brought on with menopause.  I can probably go on and on.  A woman's body is a complex mix of both physical and mental.  Ever notice how many different commercials there are concerning women's health vs men.  

And there lies another problem, the advertising industry.  We are conditioned to see the ideal female body as something that has to be maintained throughout life or we will be looked down upon by prospective mates and our peers.  

I'm going to get off this soapbox for now because it makes my head hurt just thinking about what women have to endure throughout our lives. 

 Curse or a compliment

Yesterday, I had to interact with a guy who came to inspect my windshield for my insurance company.  He had walked up in the drive way and was doing his inspection when I came out of the house.  When he saw me, he said "Hi Mam!" and got really confused when I spoke.  Unfortunately I sound more like Bea Arthur without the female lilt.  He finished up the inspection and left.  I was giggling when my spouse asked what was so funny and I told her what happened with his embarrassment.  That when she said the words that most women may dread.  You look like your Mother.

 A blast from the past!

This morning as I perused my mail, I got my usual notice from Pinterest giving me suggestions that I've looked at in the past.  The notice was about toys from the 50s and 60s.  As I looked at many of the pictures, I saw a few of the toys that gave me great pleasure before I turned 8.  So many of the dolls and kitchen sets that I shared with my sister.  I also noticed some of the clothes that were hand me downs from her and some of my female cousins before everyone convinced my Mom that I should be wearing nothing but boy clothes. 

I wore Capri pants with sleeveless tops, short shorts with halter tops and I even have a picture from when I was 5 of me in my polka dot dress.  I  worn girls panties, some were hand me downs from my sister that she grew out of and camisoles that I learned later were like a form of training bra for little girls.   That was also when I was being schooled on how to stand and sit so I didn't expose my undies.  I even remember learning to walk with a book on my head.to learn poise like every other young lady.  I remember spending time with my older sister teaching me how to style my shoulder length hair.  That was before my expulsion from the feminine world.

The expulsion started when I had my hair cut in a crew cut and was told that I could only play with other boys. I lost almost all of my girl friends.  I had to start wearing jeans and boys shirts.  It drove me crazy having to learn how to button my clothes on the wrong side.  I even had to start wear a suit on Sundays and special occasions.  I hated my life because I would look at the other girls I grew up with wearing pretty dresses and clothes I was forbidden to wear.  I also hated that I was forbidden to play with anything that even resembled a toy that girls played with.

I learned how to fight like a male because I was teased for having a few female mannerisms.  I was called names that cut to the bone even to today.  I became a hermit by staying away from others and only going out when I was told to.  When I did get involved with others, I always tried to act as macho as possible. 

Thoughts about life

 I woke up this morning after having several nights of nightmares.  I started reliving some of my past that has caused my depression to somewhat escalate.  I try to be a good partner and friend and have been able to help them see a little ray of sunshine in their lives.  This in turn drives me deeper into a withdrawn depressive state.  I hide my feeling and emotions so as to allow them to be a bit more open about themselves.  All my life, I have been a somewhat recluse when it comes to my feelings, emotions and fears.  As I sit here, alone, thinking about some of those fears and emotions, I wonder to myself if I will make it to my next birthday.  

Let it be known, that I have NO intention of ending my life because of the need to keep loved ones happy is a prime directive in my life.  I have only once, divulged many of the things that drive my nightmares to someone that might have helped me understand.  Unfortunately, they were only a temporary councilor who got me to open up that dreaded steel door into my past.  I had three sessions with her before she had to move on.  I miss her so much.  I found a somewhat kindred spirt in her that allowed me to open up.  Now that door is closed again and I don't foresee it opening again any time soon, if at all.