Thoughts about life

 I woke up this morning after having several nights of nightmares.  I started reliving some of my past that has caused my depression to somewhat escalate.  I try to be a good partner and friend and have been able to help them see a little ray of sunshine in their lives.  This in turn drives me deeper into a withdrawn depressive state.  I hide my feeling and emotions so as to allow them to be a bit more open about themselves.  All my life, I have been a somewhat recluse when it comes to my feelings, emotions and fears.  As I sit here, alone, thinking about some of those fears and emotions, I wonder to myself if I will make it to my next birthday.  

Let it be known, that I have NO intention of ending my life because of the need to keep loved ones happy is a prime directive in my life.  I have only once, divulged many of the things that drive my nightmares to someone that might have helped me understand.  Unfortunately, they were only a temporary councilor who got me to open up that dreaded steel door into my past.  I had three sessions with her before she had to move on.  I miss her so much.  I found a somewhat kindred spirt in her that allowed me to open up.  Now that door is closed again and I don't foresee it opening again any time soon, if at all.