Thoughts about life
I woke up this morning after having several nights of nightmares. I started reliving some of my past that has caused my depression to somewhat escalate. I try to be a good partner and friend and have been able to help them see a little ray of sunshine in their lives. This in turn drives me deeper into a withdrawn depressive state. I hide my feeling and emotions so as to allow them to be a bit more open about themselves. All my life, I have been a somewhat recluse when it comes to my feelings, emotions and fears. As I sit here, alone, thinking about some of those fears and emotions, I wonder to myself if I will make it to my next birthday.
Let it be known, that I have NO intention of ending my life because of the need to keep loved ones happy is a prime directive in my life. I have only once, divulged many of the things that drive my nightmares to someone that might have helped me understand. Unfortunately, they were only a temporary councilor who got me to open up that dreaded steel door into my past. I had three sessions with her before she had to move on. I miss her so much. I found a somewhat kindred spirt in her that allowed me to open up. Now that door is closed again and I don't foresee it opening again any time soon, if at all.
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