So many things to ponder (part 1 of maybe many)

Over the past several weeks of looking back at my time on this planet, I really had to see what has transpired.  I look at the many opportunities I've had to live life as my true self but found that fear was the only thing that prevented me from going forward.

I guess you could say that it started when I was very young.   I grew up in a world that was very different than today.  I was born into a post WWII era that taught people to use what was available to help conserve finances. We wore hand me down clothes that were either male or female,  For me it was more female than male.  I wore dresses, feminine shorts, blouses and shoes till the age of 6 when I started school.  I had to change my wardrobe to only male clothes because of the stigma attached for a feminine male to exist back then.  I couldn't understand why till I experienced the bullying for being an effeminized male.

The teen years were  a strange time that found so many confusing thoughts and desires that caused me to have to literally fight my way in life.  I found solace in being a somewhat hermit but also discovered, through living with an older sister that I could still be myself in at least a small degree.  Back then, I found joy in wearing some of her clothes as well as a few pieces of my Mothers clothes.  I also learned to cook and sew as well as a limited knowledge of a woman's body and the care of.

I still had to keep up the façade of being fully male since even in the mid to late 60's being gay, lesbian or even worse transgendered could get you hurt or just mentally ostracized by both the cis people as well as the gay community.  Gay men looked at us as freaks that didn't belong to either gender and lesbians called us sick because we wanted to be like them.  

I escaped my home world by joining the military in hopes that I would end up in Nam where I would be killed.  I tried to volunteer for every possible dangerous assignment that came my way only to fail in my quest to end it all.  I wanted so bad to end my pain and mental anguish but in such a way as to not allow my family to learn my  true self.

After I couldn't get an extended assignment in Nam, I bounced through several assignments that took me  to Idaho and Germany.  Idaho found me back to finding ways to escaping from the world and might have allowed me to end life again by going out into the mountains, alone without any regards for my safety.  I gave me a way to quell my thoughts and scream at the top of my lungs without worrying who might hear me.

Germany was a place of wonderment for me because I found other like me that were accepted by all that they came into contact with.  I learned so much about the trans life through the women I became friends with.  I look back now and wished that I could have stayed but the military had other plans for me.

I was discharged and made my way to southern Florida.  I started wear feminine clothes whenever I could.  I found the growing gay community in South Beach and found some friends there that didn't look down at me for being me.  I soon got the bug to move again so I rejoined the military.