A blast from the past!

This morning as I perused my mail, I got my usual notice from Pinterest giving me suggestions that I've looked at in the past.  The notice was about toys from the 50s and 60s.  As I looked at many of the pictures, I saw a few of the toys that gave me great pleasure before I turned 8.  So many of the dolls and kitchen sets that I shared with my sister.  I also noticed some of the clothes that were hand me downs from her and some of my female cousins before everyone convinced my Mom that I should be wearing nothing but boy clothes. 

I wore Capri pants with sleeveless tops, short shorts with halter tops and I even have a picture from when I was 5 of me in my polka dot dress.  I  worn girls panties, some were hand me downs from my sister that she grew out of and camisoles that I learned later were like a form of training bra for little girls.   That was also when I was being schooled on how to stand and sit so I didn't expose my undies.  I even remember learning to walk with a book on my head.to learn poise like every other young lady.  I remember spending time with my older sister teaching me how to style my shoulder length hair.  That was before my expulsion from the feminine world.

The expulsion started when I had my hair cut in a crew cut and was told that I could only play with other boys. I lost almost all of my girl friends.  I had to start wearing jeans and boys shirts.  It drove me crazy having to learn how to button my clothes on the wrong side.  I even had to start wear a suit on Sundays and special occasions.  I hated my life because I would look at the other girls I grew up with wearing pretty dresses and clothes I was forbidden to wear.  I also hated that I was forbidden to play with anything that even resembled a toy that girls played with.

I learned how to fight like a male because I was teased for having a few female mannerisms.  I was called names that cut to the bone even to today.  I became a hermit by staying away from others and only going out when I was told to.  When I did get involved with others, I always tried to act as macho as possible. 

Thoughts about life

 I woke up this morning after having several nights of nightmares.  I started reliving some of my past that has caused my depression to somewhat escalate.  I try to be a good partner and friend and have been able to help them see a little ray of sunshine in their lives.  This in turn drives me deeper into a withdrawn depressive state.  I hide my feeling and emotions so as to allow them to be a bit more open about themselves.  All my life, I have been a somewhat recluse when it comes to my feelings, emotions and fears.  As I sit here, alone, thinking about some of those fears and emotions, I wonder to myself if I will make it to my next birthday.  

Let it be known, that I have NO intention of ending my life because of the need to keep loved ones happy is a prime directive in my life.  I have only once, divulged many of the things that drive my nightmares to someone that might have helped me understand.  Unfortunately, they were only a temporary councilor who got me to open up that dreaded steel door into my past.  I had three sessions with her before she had to move on.  I miss her so much.  I found a somewhat kindred spirt in her that allowed me to open up.  Now that door is closed again and I don't foresee it opening again any time soon, if at all.